Gleichberechtigung in Sicht?

Achtung, es wird hier mal wieder politisch und zwar in die emanzipierte Richtung! Nach dem ich es doch noch geschafft habe, den DOK Film zum Thema Familienmodelle zu schauen.

Der DOK Film portraitiert drei verschiedene Familienmodelle: Einmal das Modell “Frau-ist-zu-Hause-und-Mann-arbeitet-100%”. Einmal das heute am weitesten verbreitete Modell “Frau-arbeitet-Teilzeit (40%)-und-Mann-100%” und einmal “unser” Modell von “beide-arbeiten-80%”. Es wählen satte eines von 20 (20!!!) Paaren das Modell “beide arbeiten gleich viel.”

Muss das wirklich sein?

Naja, es gibt Tage, oder Wochen, in denen verstehe ich durchaus den Vorteil von “einer (also die Frau) bleibt zu hause”. Weil hei- manchmal ist es einfach supersuper anstrengend. Und stressig. Und manchmal habe auch ich das Gefühl, dass von allen Ecken an mir rumgezerrt wird. Bei Kindern ist das “Rumzerren” ja genetisch eingebaut, auch völlig ok, aber manchmal, grad auch für einen Menschen mit einem ausgeprägten Bedürfnis nach Alleinsein, ists doch eher über der Schmerzgrenze (echt nur manchmal!!). Und dann fallen meine nervlichen Seidenfaden-Phasen zuverlässig auch mit Stressphasen im Job zusammen. Und schlechten Nächten. Und dann denk’ ich mir schon: müssen wir uns das echt geben? Ists das wert? Weil Ende des Monats bleibt mit unserem Setup, trotz ok Löhnen, nichts liegen zum Sparen, Krippe sei dank. Und das obwohl wir uns ja Mühe geben und uns an allen Fronten den Allerwertesten aufreissen. Oder es zumindest versuchen. Und wenn dann eines Abends sogar der Mann kommt und meint “hast du auch das Gefühl, dass Dein Leben im Moment auf der Strecke bleibt”, dann macht mich das etwas besorgt.

Hauptsache alles sieht so easy aus…

Es war ein harter Winter, nicht nur weil er kalt war, sondern auch weil, wie’s halt so ist, die Kinder öfter krank waren, und dieses Jahr auch der Mann. Was zur Folge hat, dass in diesen Phasen die Belastung massiv zunimmt. Was man sich an der Arbeit ja aber um Himmels Willen nicht anmerken lassen will. Man will ja den Job, und darin ernstgenommen werden. Vor nichts fürchte ich mich sosehr, wie einfach in die “Mami-Ecke” gestellt zu werden. Weil das in einer Firma mit vielen Männern in traditionellen Modellen den gesellschaftlichen Tod bedeutet. Glaube ich zumindest. Und gleichzeitig möchte ich all denen manchmal ins Gesicht sagen, dass sie echt KEINE Ahnung haben, was ihre Frauen zu Hause leisten. Sofern nicht BEIDE ihren Teil übernehmen, und nicht BEIDE erfahren, was es heisst, zwei Kinder, im Winter in die Kita zu bringen und dann pünktlich an der Arbeit zu erscheinen, und dann das Ganze in umgekehrter Reihenfolge am Abend nochmals, so lange kann ich mit Vorgesetzten gewisse Teile meines Lebens einfach nicht besprechen. Und vielleicht ist das ja ok so. Weil mein Chef muss ja auch nicht alles wissen. Aber manchmal wäre es echt schön, wenn man das Gefühl bekäme, dass man etwas leistet wenn man einen “OK” Job macht an der Arbeit und gleichzeitig zu Hause auch seinen Teil mitträgt. Als Mann oder als Frau, und als Teil der Gesellschaft. Weil das alles irgendwie halbwegs unter Kontrolle zu behalten, ist manchmal schon fast mehr, als man hinkriegt.

Was brauchts, damit sich etwas ändert?

Ich bin der festen Überzeugung, dass sich erst dann etwas ändern wird, wenn es Chefs gibt (auch Chefinnen) , welche in vorgesetzter Funktion Teilzeit arbeiten (auch wenn halt nur von 70% aufwärts). Weil sich erst dann etwas in der Firmenkultur ändern wird. Solange das nicht der Fall ist, werden wir Teilzeitler uns weiter bemühen, total cool zu sein und den Eindruck  zu erwecken, dass wir den ganzen Laden easy schmeissen. Eigentlich traurig.

Und das alles schreibe ich jetzt nur, weil wir in den Ferien sind und ich mal wieder tief drin was posten wollte. Die letzten 3-4 Wochen war mein Hirn am Abend jeweils nur noch Brei. Aber jetzt kommts gut weil -jaja- der Frühling ist da!

 

 

Universe vs. Parents – the Game is on

When at School we were told that the universe strives for chaos (so called Entropy). What we weren’t told then is that so will your children.

When your toddler first starts to be mobile, you notice that suddenly those toys are spreading in the ever widening crawling radious of you baby, which is now a toddler. So far so good. Even when looking at Mimi #2 who is now 1.5 years old, it seems that the way she plays makes a somewhat contained mess. Which is why I have to confess that I was not prepared for what followed when Mimi #1 turned three last month and we visited a friend with a boy the same age as Mimi #1. It was the first time we have actually felt the need to clean up my friends’ house before we left, just to make sure we could enter that home of hers again in the not too distant future. And, as it is, her child (a boy the exact same age as Mimi #1) had never before managed to achieve the level devastation my offspring brought upon her in 1 hour of playing.

Joining the Team.

Mimi #1 suddenly seems to have joined team Universe in it’s mission for total chaos. Her mess-making abilities are superior to others (unfortunately it seems that this is not a skill in kids which parents can boast of). Fact is, she has developed the destructive force of a medium sized Tornado when kept indoors. Her ability to create Entropy is actually quite impressive, and quite unnerving:

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Exhibit a.) this is what happens if Mimi #1 is keeping herself busy for five minutes

 

 

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Exhibit b.) playing Lego includes spreading them at least throughout the room. Though admittedly you can’t find the right ones when they’re in the box… hm.

Another reason to eagerly long for spring: the water games.

Honestly, if we’re at home for more than 2 hours, I can guarantee that we will have to change the clothes of at least one Mimi on the grounds of waterplay when we’re either cooking, or taking a shower, or maybe just brushing our teeth. In fact, sometimes I silently sneak upstairs to brush my teeth secretly and silently just so nobody thinks of “the water”. I know it’s developmentally totally beneficial to do this but GOD sometimes it is annoying. Just can’t wait for summer when the kids can play outside to their hearts content, slowly turning our backyard into a swamp.

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Doing some proper grown-up stuff.

So some of Mimi#1’s latest achievements have made us as parents realise that we will finally have to do some active education on the concept of “cleaning up” for the sake of our future co-habitation. Something we had silently agreed on skipping so far, probably, to be honest, out of sheer parenting lazyness. And also because we consider ourselves to have quite a laid-back approach to the concept of “a mess”. However, we have reached a stage where even we came to this decision on the grounds of there being a noticeable difference between a baby spreading out the toys (adorable) and a toddler voluntarily raging through the cupboards with an intention (helping team Universe score some bonus points perhaps?).

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This is one of he instances where, even if she’s not a baby anymore, the glee on her face is adorable. So telling her off for that becomes quite impossible.

 

So this then is it, this is where we will have our first trial of getting Mimi #1 to do something she doesn’t want to do (and -in fact- trying to throw the Universe a curveball). Sucker for facts that I am, I have of course consulted some books (well, actually just one parenting-book to be honest…) and talked to a mom-friend on when to start doing this (turns out we’re probably already late).

Helpful and not-so-helpful advice.

The book told me to make cleaning into a fun game (HAHA), at which I’m so far only half successful. Mimi #1 ist not really impressed but at least me suggesting things like “you take all the red Lego and I’ll put all the green Lego in the box” makes it more interesting for me. And also telling her exactly what we have to do, replacing the abstract concept of “clean up the mess” with a concrete action like “we will put the playmobile figures now back into that box” etc. only work sporadically.

A glimpse into the family future.

It’s a struggle, but I cannot face the future with a human who will just drop everything wherever she feels like it and having somebody else clean it up all the time ( I will settle for 99% of the time for now, as, you know, the Universe…). It’s fair enough for us as parents to be doing this for our kids for a while, but ultimately we want our family to be a place where everybody, including the parents, feel good. It will not become an utter dictatorship of the kids.

Empathy is what it comes down to.

What I want to achieve most importantly though is for her to grasp the concept that eventually somebody will have to do it for her if she doesn’t. And I know that’s probably asking too much of a three-year-old, which is why we only do very short bouts of cleaning up. But I am really adamant that she’ll help. Hoping it will get more of a routine soon. And also -silently- hoping that it will tame her destructive force somewhat (i.e. that she help me contend against the Universe, probably that’s unfair??)

Practical advice, anyone?

Do you have any advice on how to get them to grasp the cleaning-up concept and making it into a part of your daily routine at home? Do you threaten them to hoover everything up if they don’t help (something which seems to work quite well actually, but which I find slightly un-cooperative)? I would be really glad for some advice (in German or English) in the comments below. I suspect this will not get any easier for sure (and remembering how I was as a kid, I probably should have stayed right there with team Universe!)

P.S: I know that being happy in a mess is far superior to being unhappy but tidy!!!

 

 

Take a break instead of make or brake

You might ask yourselves if I’ve given up writing this blog altogether. Or, where the hell I’ve been these almost four weeks since I last published. Or you might not have noticed at all, which is absolutely fine by me.

Truth is, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I have two unfinished post in draft stage. I have plenty of pictures on my phone which I’ve taken for some posts. But bringing it all together just wasn’t in me so far in 2017. I jokingly say that my drive is still stuck in 2016 and I fear that might be far too true. Kids have been sick. Kids have not been sleeping well (something we’re not used to). Mimi #1 particularly has decided to understand the true meaning of “terrible twos” just 2 weeks before her third birthday and truly has been living up to them. Work has been difficult for me, so it somehow all has been a bit much lately.

Step by step, I’m trying to regain some speed. Though not as much speed as I had before Christmas because, frankly, that was just ridiculous. And it wasn’t me. Because I don’t like to run around like a headless chicken. I like to at least give the moment a chance to be appreciated. And I also want some lazy time back to myself. And that involves watching quite a lot of interior design shows such as “Restoration Man” and “Interior Design Challenge”. Which somehow is ironic, because this is exactly an area we struggle with on a daily basis and which is subject of one of my unfinished posts, to follow soon…

 

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Taking a break whilst improving interior desing, how’s that for a lesson?

 

So what I want to state here quite clearly is that “having it all” is very much impossible 99.9% of the time. And sometimes trying to is such I stretch that I have to take a break from it. And I will stop feeling bad about that because I don’t want to spoil my lazy time by that. There are so many things I’m interested in, so many things I would like to learn more about or spend more time on (Yoga! Friends! Books! Lying at the beach!), but everything is always a trade of.

The rule of the three

My life mainly consists of my kids and my work and then, in my opinion, there’s “only” space for something third in this. And I am rotating between: relationship, myself, or sports. Those three things alternate and I try to keep them even which isn’t always easy. But it will, for some time, stay this way so it is a case of “hanging in there” more than actively chose. Hang in there I will, but at the same time I will try not to get so stressed out about it.

Life is not about arriving, but about enjoying the ride

 

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TMD and me: “What are you doing”? Mimi #1: “waiting for my bum to go cold”.

 

I don’t want to always look forward to a point in the future where everything will get “easier” or less stressful. I don’t only want to live toward our next holiday (though I love looking forward to it – hello Engadin in March!). I want to just be here and get as much out of it as I can. Something which is much easier when you have kids, because they have a way of, sometimes painfully, nailing you to the present. Daydreaming and fantasising have pretty much left me for the time, and even if I miss this, there’s something good in it. It tells me to appreciate what we have and are now. Who knows how tomorrow will be (though I’m hoping tomorrow will be much less snotty with Mimi #2…)?

So, just to let you know, I have no idea when my next post will appear, but I’m hoping a.) soon and b.) it will help me to get some of our 3000 ever-pending projects sorted!

Take care and enjoy the ride!

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